Welcome to my blog, here I try to do my bit of soul searching, talking, chatting, cribbing, lamenting, anguishing, celebrating, bitching and basically just a whole lot of writing. I enjoy this this process and find it very therapeutical and fun. Hope you enjoy the Blog as much as I do writing. And I'd love to read your comments on any posts, just write, thts the fuel.. so feel free to talk. Thanks, much love-Kanchi
Seated amidst the snowcapped Himalayas. I wondered what needed to be done now. I was here, left a lifetime of memories behind, family, friends, people I loved and cities I dwelt in, all things of the past. Nothing more to hold on to, no one I can call my own, none to love and most importantly alone, in the wildness of the mountains.
Taking away everything I ever had, who am I? I thought. No one, what was I doing, no idea, was I on the right path? was there a path, a life worth living, was it something good, something Bad? Nothing made sense anymore, large were the peaks of snow & strange were my thoughts about everything, lost in confusion and chaos, doubt and utter frustration I waited, Waited for something to happen, something to take over me, possess me, help me, move me, but nothing came along, I just sat there, neither in peace nor silence, just waiting. But no help came. No one there who cares, none to whom my existence mattered. Just the chilling wind of the himalayas and the utter loneliness in my heart.
Tears would be good, I imagined, but my eyes having lost the sweetness of emotions, dried up in mundane intellect let me down. Heart heavy, unable to carry on holding together broken pieces of life together I prayed for an end, an end to this reality, to all the dreams, to all the aspirations, an end to everything I know as me. An End. Clouds hovered above looking down with pity at a man who had lost his soul.
I dont remember the last time I felt so happy. Got me a new bookshelf! and Yay!! I am happy. Who said the best things in life are free. The best things in life come cheap. I love my new book shelf and I now have a place to stack up all my books and not just have them laying around all over my place.
I feel Just like Arjuna. In the middle of a great battle, with the weapons in my hands waiting to fight my own, for the sake of the unknown. Telling stories is my work, my way of life. Is it okay for me to tell a story I dont necessarily believe. Is it okay to promote something that I necessarily dont agree upon. Is it good judgement to go against my own boundaries of morality and sense of right & wrong.
I dont know. But sometimes when the flow of nature brings upon me adventures such as this. Predicaments waiting for me to unravel and come to peace with, I find a certain joy within. A sense of excitement about the adventure and utter hopelessness and to an extent acute carelessness, coupled with me being possessed by the spirit of Action.
So let things that ought to come my way come when they do. I will walk the path that is ahead. Let’s see where existence takes me. But ofcourse all way I want to be Home. Following my heart, will it take me home? some say Heart is Home. well I will wait for it to reveal itself.
Writing is just so therapeutic. I cant imagine my life without a paper & pen. Now twitter and the likes are taking over from pen & paper, and it’s still cool & i use twitter etc too but the biggest problem is my spellings are going for a toss and unconsciously I have been sending a million mails in the ‘chat’ language. using ‘da for ‘the’, ‘lol’, ‘hw r u?’ etc
So I just realised that I need to stop doing that atleast when I sending mails for work. Tweeting also has ruined this culture of posting blogs. micro-blogging makes me think ‘small’ so usually I have nothing much to say over 2 paragraphs.
So why am I writing this blogpost? what purpose is it serving? nothing, other than trying to make a habit of not just stickin to twitter. Because I just might have something more to say than a one liner lost amongst a trillion tweets.
The intimacy of pen and paper I love. Writing words fully and trying to stick to grammar I love (though the sentence I just wrote is totally un-grammatical). So this is me trying to habitate myself to writing long again and going against the flow and the sheer energy and momentum of micro-blogging and short-typing!
So I am ending this with a poem. The old fashioned way. Making it up as I write this.
The caffeine in the coffee is at an all time low.
The sugar in my body follows the caff.
My mind still.
My body suspended.
The world around me shut out.
Life as I know it. No more.
Movement. No more.
All I have is Nothing I can cognise.
Everything. Done. Done. Done.
need more caffeine.
Need more sugar.
Need to breathe.
come back to life.
Get back to monotony.
Live. Die.Live. Die. Live.Die.
Live to die another day.
So I started the day as I start many. I only got to know that it is the day of buddha poornima. I don’t know the significance nor do I know what needs to be done on this day. But like any other day today is a great day for freedom and i stated with a smile on my face and a prayer on my lips and joy in my heart.
Wandering about I took some pictures that capture a few moments.
I realized I need a new biography on my website. What is there now. http://swaroopkanchi.com/?p=268 is just not me. I can barely relate to it myself and seems so uninteresting, boring and yawn inducing. I dont care how many films I have made & neither Do i really see myself as a “Film maker”, films is what I do not who I am.
There is no glimpse into who I really am. well that is personal space but still I feel a lack of connectivity with my site..let’s see, I will start working on it to make it more me. let’s see what response it brings. Right now busy with the release of my film “Bengaloored”. It’s been mostly a lot of waiting, a lot of praying and seeking & running hither thither. Dreaming is easy but executing it is pain in the ass. But somehow nature is taking it’s own course. Let’s see what happens and what ends up where. Flow..Flow..that is the password.
Recently I got a chance to visit my Dad’s native place to attend the festival that is conducted once every 45 years. People with roots in the village return to attend this festival no matter where they are. I too did the same & did not regret it. It looks a little primitive at first glance but the customs here is deepy rooted in the faith of the people and it does them some good. It was culturally fantabulous and the procession carrying the diety through the village was the highlight and excited one and all, the atmosphere was electric and soething like a freefall from the skies. chaotic, scary and yet in a way strangely peaceful.
I decided to shhot a bit and here are few of the pictures.
I’ve been hearing stories about death lately. what am I to do? the inevitable is here. No I am not dying, well I am..but so is everyone else..Minute by minute, second by second, day by day, we are all getting older now. Are we not?
eveytime I hear about a man die I begin to ponder where is my own life going, nowhere! ofcourse I am not anymore precious than the corpse, regardless of how Id like to fancy myself. I am not more special in some special way, immortal or of any fucking importance than the ones I read about in the papers, dying, dying, dead..
So what am I doing with my life, now that I am alive. anything worthwhile? I cant possibly think so. I am working, making a little money, eating some food, meeting some people, talking some crap and sleeping and watching television. Now am I really happy with this? ofcourse not. So what am I doing about it? I have no clue, should I pursue a life of pleasures, sex, drugs, alcohol, what not. or should I lead a simple life trying to be content with what I have? or should I continue to lead a life that I am leading with all its complexities, sorrow, seeking, wanting, doing, craving, hating, loving et al.
The questions are many, but answers seem rare, maybe there are no answers, only questions that linger on for a while and then die down when you stop giving a fuck about them. it seems to me my predicament lives on. Thou seeketh salvation but thee finds nothing. Yet!
Pain is such a beautiful tool. It brings you closer to your own self.I’ve felt tremendous pain or sorrow in me are the moments that really opened me up more, moments that helped me grow. I still remember myself on the floor in my make shift 10/10 kitchen room in mumbai, with a blanket over my head, sobbing uncontrollably, it was like a world had exploded within me, and I didnt know where to look, what to experience, I didnt see how I could continue living any more, how I could continue to believe that life would get better. I experienced the pain of losing someone so close, losing some one forever. Not to death but to life. But that moment I remember.. Of all the days I lived in mumbai, wandering on the streets alone, lonely, wanting to be loved, looking for a caring soul, losing hope on life, one day at a time.. Of all the days I remember this one. Absolute Rock bottom. But out of this death of a life I loved, was born a new life full of adventure and surprises, moments of happiness and absolute bliss. Taking me in directions I never dreamed of. Taking me on a rollercoaster of highs ans lows. It’s been a journey all right.
Nostalgia they say is pain from old wounds, where do I turn, which direction do I go now to heal my heart. I never got over the pain, I just got used to it. Life..Just living. One moment I hope for a better day, one moment I crave for love, one moment I seek peace, but many such moments move..keep moving to complete a circle called life. LIFE. But the circle is not round.
what am I doing right now? AM I living out my passion, my love, My dreams? On the verge of completing a film, so near yet I feel so far. The end I know not. The goal yet not in sight. Ofcourse I want people to watch it, ofcourse I want the big billboards, ofcourse I want the theatres to play it, ofcourse I want it to do well, ofcourse I want it to be loved, I want all the hardwork to pay off. So close yet so far.
my mind so cluttered. thoughts gather over and over again move in unpleasant directions. Pass away the moments bringing in panic, thoughts of negation and feelings of failure. But I got to keep working, got to keep smiling, go to keep loving, got to keep believing because…because…I dont fucking know but atleast I got a choice on how I can react. So in a way I am now a reactionary. Doing my work, hoping for the best and just going at it with full faith and equanimity.
Work. Relax. Smile. Laugh. love. celebrate. create. work. Distribute. Make money. count. laugh. Pay my taxes.