It’s one of those days…when things are just about okay, but nothing seems to fit quiet right. There’s nothing to celebrate and nothing to mourn. It’s a sad happy feeling, everything is okay, but does not seem to matter, something is missing today.
There’s no paradigm shift. Life is just what it is, what it’s always been. Yet today it’s lagging a little behind, I dont want to say too much, and yet I dont want hide too little. There is sadness, don’t know from where, but I feel it all around me, within me, it’s not intense yet it drowns me in it’s waters.
Today is what was yesterday, I feel like ive lived this day a million times over already. waking up. trying to work. Phaffing around, planning the day, going out, getting angry, getting sad, getting excited, feeling tired, coming back to my empty house. Sitting alone, getting on the computer, getting bored..thinking to myself what to do next, where do I get my next dose of happiness from. My next kick, my next activity.
I’ve lived the same day over and over and over again, it’s like a bad dream that wont go away, there’s no way out, no escaping this. If this is life. I don’t want it. Ive had enough. I feel helpless, how many prayers, how many wishes, how many affirmations have gone in vain, what dreams and what plans, all in vain. useless worthless living this. what difference does it make to anyone if I exist or not. what worthless living, what difference does it make to me I know what.
This machinery of a system I call body, this out of control TV set I call mind, eating, sleeping, working, eating, dreaming, waking up, taking bath, eating, watching a movie, sleeping, eating, talking, thinking. MAD MAD LIFE>>>MADD MADD WORLDD>>>MADD MADD MACHINERY>>>Of what use? for what purpose? for what goal? for what joy? enough already it leads to nothing, leads to nowhere, this purposeless living, this game of ego and silly people games, who gives a fuck. end it already. and shut up and die.